Life In The Slow Lane...
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San Diego, CA, United States
This is a commentary about the slow lane, about the slowing of time since I suffered a severe brain injury while skateboarding with my dog. This is a blog about recovery; about our '82 VW Westfalia. It's about writing, surfing, camping, married life, bleeding ulcers that make you feel old at 32; about family, friends, and my dog Artie; it's about cruising in fourth gear, getting passed by every car and learning to appreciate every second of it.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Obsess And Stress

Now that rehab is winding down and doctor appointments are less frequent, now that I can have a beer at the end of the day, this recovery has transformed into normality. I am accustomed to my condition, the lapses in concentration, the neurotic behavior that has turned into spending most of my day making lists of the things I need to do, and the mental crashes that come at me at the end of each night. They are now my little quirks. I have forgotten what I was like before and only know what I am now.

I plan days out now. I organize my office now. I throw a load of laundry in everyday. I do one chore a day. I don't leave the house because there are always things to be done. I don't walk the dog as far as I used to because I need to get home. These aren't conscious decisions. They come naturally, they have since the brain injury. My neurologist said obsessing about things could happen. She was right, it has. At first I didn't focus on the little things. I concentrated on the bigger issues. Now those little things, like scheduling my day, planning activities, organizing the house, is turning into an obsession.

My brother asked if I wanted to surf the other day. I immediately said I had too much to do. And I do have a heavy load, trying to learn how to write again, it never kept me from leaving before, I never really knew how to write and I often went surfing or took Artie to the park. The difference now is that I can't juggle my responsibilities like I used to, now there is no time for fun, only time to get stuff done and crossed off my list.

It's odd, like I mentioned earlier, this behavior is becoming the norm but at the same time I find myself wondering if there should be more. It's the initiation that I miss when I am alone. I fear what this might turn into, I fear what I might become. They told me recovery would be long, but that was when I could see progress, now I am only seeing what this injury has turned me into. Now I find myself trying to recover from recovery. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention one other obsession I have; that is non-stop complaints.

1 comment:

  1. Dorian,
    I just wanted to say to you and Aimee both how much I have been moved by your journey through your writing and her images. I never would think that an experience as tragic as yours could be told in such a way to inspire me to do what I have put off for so long.
    Please tell Aimee that her photography rekindled that small ember still smoldering within me to capture the world through my own eyes. I have always loved photography and I want to thank her for sharing her ability with us all; she really does take beautiful pictures.
    I want to thank you as well for making me face what it is I really want out of my own life. I spent hours reading every entry into your blog. I could feel every emotion and trial you have faced as you endure this long road to recovery. Your writing has also inspired me to rethink what it is that makes me feel whole.
    I love to write, and your blog made me realize that if someone loves to write, they should. I have been putting off my own wants for the sake of being Super Mom. It's like ignoring hunger, the pain creates an emptiness, a void that nothing else will fill. In doing so I have created a deep down emptiness that I have ignored for so long.
    I may have a long journey infront of me as well, but I am ready to take it. This is one trip I have put off too long! I'm not sure where to start, but I think the best place is one foot infront of the other...
    Thank you - both of you- for sharing your lives with us all. I look forward to reading and seeing more :)