Now that rehab is winding down and doctor appointments are less frequent, now that I can have a beer at the end of the day, this recovery has transformed into normality. I am accustomed to my condition, the lapses in concentration, the neurotic behavior that has turned into spending most of my day making lists of the things I need to do, and the mental crashes that come at me at the end of each night. They are now my little quirks. I have forgotten what I was like before and only know what I am now.
I plan days out now. I organize my office now. I throw a load of laundry in everyday. I do one chore a day. I don't leave the house because there are always things to be done. I don't walk the dog as far as I used to because I need to get home. These aren't conscious decisions. They come naturally, they have since the brain injury. My neurologist said obsessing about things could happen. She was right, it has. At first I didn't focus on the little things. I concentrated on the bigger issues. Now those little things, like scheduling my day, planning activities, organizing the house, is turning into an obsession.
My brother asked if I wanted to surf the other day. I immediately said I had too much to do. And I do have a heavy load, trying to learn how to write again, it never kept me from leaving before, I never really knew how to write and I often went surfing or took Artie to the park. The difference now is that I can't juggle my responsibilities like I used to, now there is no time for fun, only time to get stuff done and crossed off my list.
It's odd, like I mentioned earlier, this behavior is becoming the norm but at the same time I find myself wondering if there should be more. It's the initiation that I miss when I am alone. I fear what this might turn into, I fear what I might become. They told me recovery would be long, but that was when I could see progress, now I am only seeing what this injury has turned me into. Now I find myself trying to recover from recovery. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention one other obsession I have; that is non-stop complaints.
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7 years ago