Life In The Slow Lane...
My photo
San Diego, CA, United States
This is a commentary about the slow lane, about the slowing of time since I suffered a severe brain injury while skateboarding with my dog. This is a blog about recovery; about our '82 VW Westfalia. It's about writing, surfing, camping, married life, bleeding ulcers that make you feel old at 32; about family, friends, and my dog Artie; it's about cruising in fourth gear, getting passed by every car and learning to appreciate every second of it.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Captain Furious

It's been a week, a very depressing and frustrating week since I last posted something. I've realized a few things during that time. I found out that what I've been told is actually happening. I've discovered that the depression and rage that I have felt in previous months has been nothing compared to what it is now and I have learned that I have no way to control it, no way to keep it from taking over.

I've never had an experience quite like it. I never was prepared to accept the fact that I would be a different person from this. I believed I was in control that any changes would be insignificant. I tried to accept it. I nodded my head when the neurologist told me that my temper would flare and my depression would intensify. I told people that the depression and rage had arrived. I was wrong. I didn't bother to think that it was only the onset of what would be an onslaught of new emotions. I didn't believe that a mere hit on the head would usher in a new persona.

There were instances during the past week when I was punching walls, doors, and kicking the furniture. I did so while clenching my jaws shut, like some madman in a killing frenzy. I fear what I might turn into if I don't learn to control it.

I've always had a temper. Nothing I couldn't control. I believe it's my difficulty changing tasks that's to blame. I start a task and can't adapt. I don't know how to quit. I continue no matter how impossible it may be and the rage creeps up on me, it's sneaky and I don't see it coming. And then I snap.

I consider the rage and depression related. When my ire fades, I turn emotional and sad. I think dark thoughts, like I was a teenager all over again. There's not any other way to describe it besides dark, cold, and lonely.

Control will come one day but I am frustrated because they said this would happen and there I sat, legs crossed, stroking my beard, acting like I was prepared and writing the same. I wasn't and I am not. I am more fragile than ever, the difference from before is you can't see it, it's internal and comes out when no one is around. This isn't recovery, this is a discovery, a discovery of what this injury has turned me into.

No comments:

Post a Comment