Life In The Slow Lane...
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San Diego, CA, United States
This is a commentary about the slow lane, about the slowing of time since I suffered a severe brain injury while skateboarding with my dog. This is a blog about recovery; about our '82 VW Westfalia. It's about writing, surfing, camping, married life, bleeding ulcers that make you feel old at 32; about family, friends, and my dog Artie; it's about cruising in fourth gear, getting passed by every car and learning to appreciate every second of it.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Rut's Wrong...

I'm stuck in a rut. Days have gone by and nothing has been accomplished. I try and revisit the routine I had before bashing my head in. I walk the dog in the morning. I do beginners yoga when I get back. I eat a small meal and make a hot cup of tea. Until 9:00am I feel good. And then I sit down for work.

Today, I tried to focus on the story I am writing. I read emails but halfway through my thoughts wandered. I started outlines but never finished them. I tried to read the spreadsheets but couldn't get past the first few lines. I need to conduct interviews but I am reluctant to leave the house.

In my previous life, I called this procrastination. In my current life, it is just the way it is. I hate it. Every thought is like a flash of light. After it disappears another one enters my head. There are no deep concepts inside my head. I have nothing to say but the obvious. I have no opinions worth sharing-- some would say this is a good thing, I know.

If this continues much longer I will need help to regain my focus. I don't know how I will do this. I don't know if it can ever come back. If I try to work on it, will it be another box on my checklist, next to 'meditate', 'exercise, and 'rest'? Will this be another empty box?

The hardest part about it is I don't know if this even is a rut. There's a big chance that this so-called rut is my new home and there's a good chance I will never get out of it. If that's the case I fear what may come. This rut is too small for this depression to take refuge in. That's rut's happening here...

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