Weekly Movie Reviews From A Weak Mind

I fooled myself into thinking that now that my strength and my confidence have returned. Now that I can enjoy a beer and now that my dizziness has mostly disappeared, I assumed I wouldn't spend as much time on my chair at nights, watching movies and bad reality TV. I was wrong. You can still find me on the large brown leather chair, feet crossed on the ottoman, every night. I am unable to keep focus on books, now I only read for a couple of minutes before my eyes shut and I am out for the night. So here are the reviews for this week's round of movies and bad reality TV.

It Might Get Loud is a music documentary starring Zeppelin's Jimmy Page, U2's The Edge, and Jack White from the White Stripes. Most of the film focuses on each guitarist's individual style, upbringing, and musical influences. Going in, I anticipated watching Jimmy Page strap on a guitar. His style on the guitar, the riffs that he made up, always captivated me. I knew I would be entertained watching him and listening to his early years in England playing in skiffle bands. And then there's Jack White. I was never a big fan of his music. I always considered him to be a talented musician. I just never got it. In the movie his allegiance to early blues his love of music impressed me. I'm still not a big fan of his music, but I do respect the dude. And lastly, there's The Edge. I never really thought much of him as a guitarist. I like early U2. I don't care for new U2. I know why I didn't think much of his guitar play, because he is the most boring, effects-dependent guitarist to ever pick up a guitar pick. He's definitely not The Cutting Edge when it comes to guitar. Overall, I give this doc two and a half neurons out of four. Worth it if you play guitar and are a music lover, not so much if you don't.

Next up: Couples Retreat. That makes it two weeks in a row I am reviewing a Vince Vaughn film. It's like the jar to the brain has turned me into some double-V superfan. Well, recovery is occurring, I know because even Vince Vaughn's appearance in this flick couldn't garner an average neuron review out of me. It was lame, predictable, some funny chortles came in the beginning but nothing for the last hour. I give it one and a half neurons, a good movie when there is nothing else on, no books around, no people to talk to, no chores to be done, no organizing to do. In that case, watch this movie, you'll love it.

Finally, the TV portion of the weekly review. This week in bad TV I review Steven Seagal's Lawman, quite possibly the funniest show in the history of television. There's something about watching an out of shape, martial arts expert patrol the rough streets of New Orleans as a deputy Sheriff. We've been making fun of Seagal's movies now for years. Whether that be the heavily airbrushed DVD covers, ones that make Seagal's pudgy face look like the face of a Geisha. In one movie, we paused the movie in the middle of a fight scene. If you looked close enough you could see that the director placed a shoe at the end of a stick and used it to make it look like a vicious Karate kick. So, Seagal's been the butt of a joke in our household for quite some time. Well, that joke just keeps getting funnier and funnier. In his show, on A&E on Wednesday night, Seagal thinks he has all the answers, uses his Zen teachings to predict the next move of small-time crooks. He's seen running a few feet before getting winded or stopping in front of a two-foot tall fence because he can't manage to get those powerful martial arts legs a few inches off the ground. This reality television show gets three and a half damaged neurons. Probably would have received a perfect score before the accident, but since I've lost some humor, I can't fully appreciate it for what it is. Watch it and see Seagal talk like a black man and move like a wounded Walrus.

Next week: Brothers, Steven Seagal's latest movie; Driven To Kill, and Celebrity Rehab.