Brain Of Darkness

It's difficult to embrace the day, when you can't tell the difference from one to another. I spend most of my days in my house, I work for a few hours, take my dog for a walk around the block, do some stretches, and my day is over, my energy spent. By evening time, I am on the couch, eyes fixed on the television screen.

This is my new routine, my new way of life since the brain injury. Just the thought of changing the routine, of going someplace like a coffee shop or the library, drains every ounce of being out of me.

I find myself trying to make plans with friends, but when the time comes I find it hard to move my body.

Now, even the thought of writing something new, a different topic than the brain, sucks the energy from me. Occasionally an idea pops into my head, that same feeling that I had when I was a teenager when I thought about an idea for a story. Back then, the idea took control of my entire mind. I couldn't keep my thoughts away from it. Now, it is still there but it is fleeting, opaque. As soon as I try and focus, it vanishes from my mind's sight, leaving me with thoughts about my condition, or about how weak this mind has become.

Lately, there have been concerns raised. There are concerns about my mood swings and about my fits of rage. Part of it is my fault, I understand. I talk too much about what I am feeling. It's not by choice, I'm only trying to understand my condition and talking about it and writing about it are the only ways I know how to do that. I understand why people are worried, but fighting this with worry, fighting it in general, won't help. What they doesn't understand, what no one can understand, is there is no way to stop it, only time can slow it down. In that time, it will be on my mind. It will continue to rule my day until I have the energy to take it on. I'm realizing now that I am far from that point, far from really living my life.